I really appreciated this post and will buy the book when it comes out. I'm a 74 year old man who had a vasectomy at age 22, but later became step-grandpa to multiple grandsons. I was lucky enough to be a very integral part of daily childcare for three of them very early in their lives. Several observations - I found the experience of holding them as infants and rocking them to sleep to be one of the most profoundly deeply soothing experiences in my entire life. I would enter the most relaxed blissful state as I'd kiss them on top of their head and rock them into their nap either standing or in a rocking chair. As toddlers, I found that the ability to help them learn to regulate their emotions - by myself remaining calm during their tantrums and breakdowns - felt like a very satisfying and worthwhile contribution to their development. Though never myself either a biological father or a biological grandfather - I have felt my life enriched immeasurably by being able to be actively involved as a step-grandpa who acted as a primary caregiver in tandem with my wife. As a long retired clinical social worker and therapist I'm looking forward to reading Ms. Saxbe's research and her theorizing on the important role we males can play in nurturing our young. Thank you.
"It’s easy to think that mothers are the only caregivers who count." Easy for whom? It seems to me that one of the tasks of this new rewriting of feminism is to prove that mothers and fathers matter. I was perplexed as to why my Women's Studies professors were tone deaf to the idea that fatherhood holds corporeality. Rather stunningly, my question about this in class was dismissed. Glad to learn minds can change.
I’m excited for the book, even though I’ve now seen most of the trailers before the release date.
One thing that continues to nag me is the idea that men who have contributed equitably toward raising their children, and thus experienced these changes, is so rare. My life has been filled with families where men are deeply involved, and I saw it first hand as a SAHD and school volunteer. There is something beside social acceptance of equal parenting that is driving this desire among some for a return to a mythical past.
I am so grateful that you have been tuning in this whole time!
And I agree, this isn't so rare in my own life either. I have seen very hands-on fathering not just my own dad but also my husband and a lot of the men in my social circle. I think it's not so unusual as it is just very culturally specific to one's context.
In response to your puzzlement as to why involved male parenting seems so rare, may I suggest that this might be so because the cultural scripts surrounding parenting for females are very different than those expected of males.
In most cultures females are raised from birth on the assumption that they will someday become mothers. Alloparents are almost always grandmothers, aunts or sisters.
Especially when it comes to caring for infants and toddlers, there is no equivalent social scaffolding surrounding fatherhood.
If one wants more involved fathers, the culture will need to establish that as a baseline long before males actually become dads.
I don’t believe I’m all that unusual in my experience of fatherhood, and I knew how important my efforts were from the very beginning. It seems like ‘common sense’. What ever any anthropologist wants to infer from this, I see no reason to think otherwise…
"At the same time, we have developed more intensive approaches to parenting, which require closer supervision and monitoring of children. When I was a kid growing up in small-town Ohio in the 1980s, I knocked on neighbors’ doors until I scrounged up a friend who was available and willing to play. Now, children are more likely to spend their downtime in organized activities that require a parent’s active management and monitoring. These changes put more pressure on the nuclear family to fill all of children’s needs. Two people—the mother and father—are now shouldering the caregiving load that used to be distributed among the whole community."
And what evaporated that "whole community" neighborhood in the first place? Could it be the flood of women into the work force .. And *away* from the neighborhood?
Neighborhoods are like graveyards during the weekday now. There used to be a whole "sisterhood" of women at home so that kids could roam free and far, knowing someone's mom would be nearby to help in case of emergency. No longer.
And that flood of women into the workforce spiraled the problem by competing with sole providers for jobs and pay... Necessitating further flooding of women into jobs...
I didn't know about your brain studies but I'm willing to guess they're not placebo controlled double blind.... Which allows me to suggest another approach that allows the father to assert his unique strength as a provider, who doesn't need mandated paternity leave, etc. so that he can be more attractive to the employer, who sets down a pattern for his sons to follow, to *provide* for his children (instead of aborting them!)
Women live longer than men anyway. Why don't they use that early childhood window to care for their children (with the help of that useful allo parenting sisterhood in the neighborhood!) . They can pursue their careers later, but eggs can't wait. (That's the topic for another day, the problem of delayed motherhood)
Contemporary parents actually spend more time with kids today than boomer parents did...the biggest thing that have made it harder for kids to roam safely are car-centric neighborhood design and intensive parenting norms IMO.
Also your comment about women pursuing their careers later implies that there are careers that allow for re-entry after multiple years away from the workforce. That's not quite so simple and many women who take time off find it very difficult to return. Other countries have better models of part-time work for parents of young kids:
Finally, the idea that working women are competing with sole providers for pay doesn't square with the economic data, which finds that women's entry into the workforce has raised wages for men as well:
Ok but if the dad is off at work long hours all day, every day, who is left to help the mom? This is not just about women working. It's also about the lack of responsibility anyone else feels (grandparents, aunts/uncles, neighbors) to help with kids, and the fact that we often live far away from extended family.
I really appreciated this post and will buy the book when it comes out. I'm a 74 year old man who had a vasectomy at age 22, but later became step-grandpa to multiple grandsons. I was lucky enough to be a very integral part of daily childcare for three of them very early in their lives. Several observations - I found the experience of holding them as infants and rocking them to sleep to be one of the most profoundly deeply soothing experiences in my entire life. I would enter the most relaxed blissful state as I'd kiss them on top of their head and rock them into their nap either standing or in a rocking chair. As toddlers, I found that the ability to help them learn to regulate their emotions - by myself remaining calm during their tantrums and breakdowns - felt like a very satisfying and worthwhile contribution to their development. Though never myself either a biological father or a biological grandfather - I have felt my life enriched immeasurably by being able to be actively involved as a step-grandpa who acted as a primary caregiver in tandem with my wife. As a long retired clinical social worker and therapist I'm looking forward to reading Ms. Saxbe's research and her theorizing on the important role we males can play in nurturing our young. Thank you.
Thank you for reading and I hope you enjoy the full book!
"It’s easy to think that mothers are the only caregivers who count." Easy for whom? It seems to me that one of the tasks of this new rewriting of feminism is to prove that mothers and fathers matter. I was perplexed as to why my Women's Studies professors were tone deaf to the idea that fatherhood holds corporeality. Rather stunningly, my question about this in class was dismissed. Glad to learn minds can change.
I’m excited for the book, even though I’ve now seen most of the trailers before the release date.
One thing that continues to nag me is the idea that men who have contributed equitably toward raising their children, and thus experienced these changes, is so rare. My life has been filled with families where men are deeply involved, and I saw it first hand as a SAHD and school volunteer. There is something beside social acceptance of equal parenting that is driving this desire among some for a return to a mythical past.
I am so grateful that you have been tuning in this whole time!
And I agree, this isn't so rare in my own life either. I have seen very hands-on fathering not just my own dad but also my husband and a lot of the men in my social circle. I think it's not so unusual as it is just very culturally specific to one's context.
In response to your puzzlement as to why involved male parenting seems so rare, may I suggest that this might be so because the cultural scripts surrounding parenting for females are very different than those expected of males.
In most cultures females are raised from birth on the assumption that they will someday become mothers. Alloparents are almost always grandmothers, aunts or sisters.
Especially when it comes to caring for infants and toddlers, there is no equivalent social scaffolding surrounding fatherhood.
If one wants more involved fathers, the culture will need to establish that as a baseline long before males actually become dads.
I don’t believe I’m all that unusual in my experience of fatherhood, and I knew how important my efforts were from the very beginning. It seems like ‘common sense’. What ever any anthropologist wants to infer from this, I see no reason to think otherwise…
"At the same time, we have developed more intensive approaches to parenting, which require closer supervision and monitoring of children. When I was a kid growing up in small-town Ohio in the 1980s, I knocked on neighbors’ doors until I scrounged up a friend who was available and willing to play. Now, children are more likely to spend their downtime in organized activities that require a parent’s active management and monitoring. These changes put more pressure on the nuclear family to fill all of children’s needs. Two people—the mother and father—are now shouldering the caregiving load that used to be distributed among the whole community."
And what evaporated that "whole community" neighborhood in the first place? Could it be the flood of women into the work force .. And *away* from the neighborhood?
Neighborhoods are like graveyards during the weekday now. There used to be a whole "sisterhood" of women at home so that kids could roam free and far, knowing someone's mom would be nearby to help in case of emergency. No longer.
And that flood of women into the workforce spiraled the problem by competing with sole providers for jobs and pay... Necessitating further flooding of women into jobs...
I didn't know about your brain studies but I'm willing to guess they're not placebo controlled double blind.... Which allows me to suggest another approach that allows the father to assert his unique strength as a provider, who doesn't need mandated paternity leave, etc. so that he can be more attractive to the employer, who sets down a pattern for his sons to follow, to *provide* for his children (instead of aborting them!)
Women live longer than men anyway. Why don't they use that early childhood window to care for their children (with the help of that useful allo parenting sisterhood in the neighborhood!) . They can pursue their careers later, but eggs can't wait. (That's the topic for another day, the problem of delayed motherhood)
Contemporary parents actually spend more time with kids today than boomer parents did...the biggest thing that have made it harder for kids to roam safely are car-centric neighborhood design and intensive parenting norms IMO.
Also your comment about women pursuing their careers later implies that there are careers that allow for re-entry after multiple years away from the workforce. That's not quite so simple and many women who take time off find it very difficult to return. Other countries have better models of part-time work for parents of young kids:
https://darbysaxbe.substack.com/p/why-dont-more-us-parents-work-part
Finally, the idea that working women are competing with sole providers for pay doesn't square with the economic data, which finds that women's entry into the workforce has raised wages for men as well:
https://darbysaxbe.substack.com/p/has-feminism-been-bad-for-men
Ok but if the dad is off at work long hours all day, every day, who is left to help the mom? This is not just about women working. It's also about the lack of responsibility anyone else feels (grandparents, aunts/uncles, neighbors) to help with kids, and the fact that we often live far away from extended family.
I wrote about this today!
https://darbysaxbe.substack.com/p/daycare-is-not-evil